can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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