1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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