So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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