how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
