i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The air was thick with penises
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
