LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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