I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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