I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
