Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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