The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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