So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize