I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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