Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
