I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
