the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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