The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
