He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize