Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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