Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
