checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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