My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
