seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My ass is underappreciated
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
