The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
