I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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