Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
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franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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