I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
