Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
