i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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