i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
