you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
