Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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