good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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