Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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