note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
