if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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