Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
