for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
