Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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