i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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