i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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