Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She has the best kind of daddy issues
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
