it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
