I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
