Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
