im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
