look no pants
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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