At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
