if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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