woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
