I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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