I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize