Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
