"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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