I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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