I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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