just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
