Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Randomize
