You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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