Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
