I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
