distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize