life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
