Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
