Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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